The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: The Reduced Script

If the goal of this movie was to provoke thought, it succeeded by provoking mundane thought. This script is a testimony to that statement.

Enchanted: The Reduced Script

I know, I know; I said I have a soft spot for family movies. Apparently my definition for family movies was actually narrower than I thought, for I couldn't help but going over all this movie's flaws when I saw it.

Sample:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - real world

AMY arrives, only to be bullied and pushed around. Eventually, she stumbles upon PATRICK DEMPSEY and HIS DAUGHTER.

PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently, with heavy emphasis on MAGIC) Patrick, please help me and find my TRUE LOVE, a PRINCE, and he will come RESCUE me from this unsavory raw theater.

PATRiCK DEMPSEY: No problem. I've played nothing but cynical douches who help distressed damsels unconditionally. For the record, though, I don't believe in fairytales.

PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently) Oh, really? That's so SAD. What ELSE is this movie if an inefficient employee like YOU live in such an EXPENSIVE APARTMENT?

The Dark Crystal: The Reduced Script

Okay, I admit: I never saw this movie as a child, and watched it as late as the summer of 2005, as part of the Kiddy Movie Marathon project. Among the three movies selected for this project (the other two being, oh sweet Jesus, the pain known as CARAVAN OF COURAGE: AN EWOK ADVENTURE and its barely tolerable sequel, EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR), THE DARK CRYSTAL was the most insufferable – not because it was full of outrageous kiddiness (surely the first Ewok movie faired worse), not because it had bad effects (though I was admittedly slightly unnerved by the protagonists' appearance), but rather because of the insultingly linear (and uninteresting) plot, the absence of "acting", and the random, time-consuming crap that was spilled all over the script. In the aftermath, I had to watch STAR WARS (a linear but INTERESTING movie) five times to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth.

The PDF version is here.

P.s. I'm all for preserving your childhood memories, so if you hold this movie deep in your heart and don't want to know how horrible it could be for a grown-up, I suggest you turn away. NOW.

Sample:

FRIENDLY BIRD-LIKE LIZARD: Listen, according to this random prophecy, you must heal The Dark Crystal and save our world. In order to do so, you must 1. Find a female version of Yoda and get this Significant Item from her; 2. Not ask any of my wise colleagues for directions; 3. Experience the artificial beauty of the world of The Dark Crystal; 4. Encounter extraordinarily cutesy beings specifically created and designed for this movie. On your way, you will enjoy the beautiful scenery and the mysterious magical atmosphere. That is pretty much the essence of your otherwise trivial mission. Consult A TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE WORLD OF THE DARK CRYSTAL for your traveling pleasure. Now, leave, Male Puppet Lead; the success of this movie rests not so much on the completion of your unremarkable and boring journey but rather on the stunning special effects.

MALE PUPPET LEAD: But hasn't my stuffed-animal appearance already ruined it?

Have a Very Bay Christmas!

Merry Christmas! You are now entitled to open your Christmas present - a Reduced Script for the godawful Transformers movie with more free packages of trashing goodness to come!

The Fanfiction.net version is here.

The PDF version is here.

Sample:

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his freaking luck, MEGAN, and MICHAEL BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY: Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?

He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!

INFERNO (V. O.): Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!

BARRICADE: RARRRR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) RARRRR!

BARRICADE: RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?

BARRICADE: WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!

BARRICADE: BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF MICHAEL BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?

BARRICADE: YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) LIKE THIS?

He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SHIA and pulling his PANTS.

FRENZY: Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace: The Reduced Script

(Sorry for the lack of updates, but Junior year is truly probably the worst year in college.)

This movie is less impressive than the original trilogy and the third episode, but hey, at least it’s better than the second. And I did love this movie as a kid. Also, I began working on the script probably sometime before last year, but didn't finish it until a few weeks ago – consequence of not hating a movie passionately enough to write a satire about it (sigh).

Sample:


QUI-GON JINN: I don't care about the rumors as to how Anakin will jeopardize the fate of the galaxy and the fate of Star Wars franchise, just to contrast the later events and show what an awful Jedi master I am!

Meanwhile, in the GALATIC SENATE CHAMBER, EVERYBODY is doing exactly what PALPATINE wants them to do, because everyone, including QUI-GON, HATES the REPUBLIC.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS: Oops, we are dwelling too deep into the main series plot; let's get back to Naboo where things have little relevance to it and are living the prequels' legacy of being extravagant and worthless.

Fever Pitch: The Reduced Script

Yes, you heard it right. I did see this movie. With my gang of friends who love crappy Romantic Comedies that feature nothing less than Red Sox fans' wet dream. I heard that this was great fan service to the Red Sox fans, even though, technically, it could have been ANY sport team.

Why did I state that I did see the movie, you ask? Well, you will know...

And I've been really busy too...

Also, the scripts for Stranger Than Fiction and Power Rangers are updated. And so is Connections page.

Stranger Than Fiction: The Reduced Script

No, I still have no idea why Harold Crick was able to hear Karen Eiffel, because, apparently, the best way to work around an inexplicable gimmick is to never explain it.

Sample:

EMMA'S VOICE f*cks WILL up. It narrates his movements when he is working, talking to people, and ogling MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S TITS VIA TRIGONOMETRY. Sometimes, it narrates parallel to the events in WILL'S life; other times, it warps time and space, narrating as if WILL is doing three different things at three different places simultaneously, even though WILL listens to the narration in real-time.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN
I draw pleasure from giving Will idiotic instructions and berating him for following them.
(pause)
As a literary expert and a moron, I suggest you prevent your imminent death by altering your current set of behaviors, despite the glaring possibility that your efforts might also be part of the plot that triggers your death.

V for Vendetta: The Reduced Script

To be quite honest, I liked this movie a lot, even though I disagree with the movie on a lot of things. I heard the original graphic novel was even more extreme, though. So I guess it would have been worse.

Also, I will now attempt to update on a biweekly basis. And finally, I will, from now on, include a sample of the script for every post announcing a script archive update.

Sample:

EXT. SEMI-ORWELLIAN SOCIETY, ZORRO-STYLE - SYMBOLIC DARKSTREET

A HUMAN WITH A COMICAL MASK is exacting vengeance on EVILAGENTS OF SURVEILLANCE, rescuing NATALIE PORTMAN in theprocess.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I'm confused; am I supposed to bereasonably afraid after witnessinghow you, like a complete nutcase,TOTALLY tore people up, or should Ijust make fun of your funny outfit?

HUGO WEAVING (OR HIS STUNT)
I sense great potential in yourabnormal personality, so observewhen I commit an act of terrorism.

He TOTALLY DOES.

...

The 78th Academy Awards Ceremony: The Reduced Script

Jon wasted three and half hours of my life. Although, admittedly, every Academy Awards Ceremony to some degree wastes three and half hours of the viewer's life.

New Script!

The Non-FF.net-Friendly Alexander Script is now available. Phew!

Renaming Completed!

All existing scripts (in whatever form) have been renamed "The Reduced Script". Phew.

Troy: The Abridged Screenplay

Also posted on Fanfiction.net. I watched the movie over winter break, and surprisingly it was even more painful than Oliver Stone's ALEXANDER.

Power Ranger Power!

Power Ranger: The Complete Episode Guide I was totally enthralled by Power Rangers...then I remained friendly with it...until my baby sister, a big fan of this show, started harrassing me about getting that freakin' green fluke. Oh yeah, I have a blog now, and it's here.

Finally

Harry Potter and the CoS: The Abridged Parody Script is out!!!! It took me almost foreve to do this.

RV: THE ABRIDGED PARODY

This basically unmemorable flick is based on the fragment of the twisted notion of a normal family of the deranged director Barry Sonnenfeld.

Historical Posts

Since I love this blog so much, I'm going to repost all the announcements I posted on the original update page. So here goes:

Originally posted on June 11, 2006,

Thanks to my summer internship no new scripts are posted, but I've made some corrections (formatting, word-choices, grammatical mistakes, etc.) in the scripts as well as the site in general.

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Originally posted on May 30, 2006,

Script for WALK THE LINE. It was written a long time ago, but now it is finally formatted. I really don't see why the critics love this movie so much. Further work on this site needs to be done.

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Originally posted on May 23, 2006

Launch date. I have been piling up scripts that I wrote for personal entertainment for ages, just so you know I didn't write all those scripts in a split second. Thanks for coming and please browse around.

Brokeback Mountain Entry: An okay movie that screams for serious attention.

Star Wars Episode III: Gosh, I spent 36 hours on the script!!!!

Gone With The Wind: I've been hating this movie for a long time. Finally have the means to attack it.

Overboard: I would have never watched this movie had I not been forced to, but my aunt was being really determined. This movie sucks like hell, by the way.