Unconsciousness Explained

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: The Reduced Script

2009-01-12T07:47:00.004-05:00

If the goal of this movie was to provoke thought, it succeeded by provoking mundane thought. This script is a testimony to that statement.

Enchanted: The Reduced Script

2009-01-12T07:46:00.002-05:00

I know, I know; I said I have a soft spot for family movies. Apparently my definition for family movies was actually narrower than I thought, for I couldn't help but going over all this movie's flaws when I saw it.

Sample:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - real world

AMY arrives, only to be bullied and pushed around. Eventually, she stumbles upon PATRICK DEMPSEY and HIS DAUGHTER.

PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently, with heavy emphasis on MAGIC) Patrick, please help me and find my TRUE LOVE, a PRINCE, and he will come RESCUE me from this unsavory raw theater.

PATRiCK DEMPSEY: No problem. I've played nothing but cynical douches who help distressed damsels unconditionally. For the record, though, I don't believe in fairytales.

PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently) Oh, really? That's so SAD. What ELSE is this movie if an inefficient employee like YOU live in such an EXPENSIVE APARTMENT?

General Update

2008-01-26T18:35:00.000-05:00

I didn't get around to see movies that are "reduce-worthy" during Christmas, hence my digging through older scripts that were written for much more dated movies. No, I haven't seen I AM LEGEND, nor have I seen THE GOLDEN COMPASS. I did, however, see P.S. I LOVE YOU, and surprisingly, I liked it a lot despite it being a Romantic Comedy/Drama - have I gone soft?

Also, the Connections Page has been updated with some websites useful for movie education.

The Dark Crystal: The Reduced Script

2008-01-26T18:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, I admit: I never saw this movie as a child, and watched it as late as the summer of 2005, as part of the Kiddy Movie Marathon project. Among the three movies selected for this project (the other two being, oh sweet Jesus, the pain known as CARAVAN OF COURAGE: AN EWOK ADVENTURE and its barely tolerable sequel, EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR), THE DARK CRYSTAL was the most insufferable – not because it was full of outrageous kiddiness (surely the first Ewok movie faired worse), not because it had bad effects (though I was admittedly slightly unnerved by the protagonists' appearance), but rather because of the insultingly linear (and uninteresting) plot, the absence of "acting", and the random, time-consuming crap that was spilled all over the script. In the aftermath, I had to watch STAR WARS (a linear but INTERESTING movie) five times to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth.

The PDF version is here.

P.s. I'm all for preserving your childhood memories, so if you hold this movie deep in your heart and don't want to know how horrible it could be for a grown-up, I suggest you turn away. NOW.

Sample:

FRIENDLY BIRD-LIKE LIZARD: Listen, according to this random prophecy, you must heal The Dark Crystal and save our world. In order to do so, you must 1. Find a female version of Yoda and get this Significant Item from her; 2. Not ask any of my wise colleagues for directions; 3. Experience the artificial beauty of the world of The Dark Crystal; 4. Encounter extraordinarily cutesy beings specifically created and designed for this movie. On your way, you will enjoy the beautiful scenery and the mysterious magical atmosphere. That is pretty much the essence of your otherwise trivial mission. Consult A TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE WORLD OF THE DARK CRYSTAL for your traveling pleasure. Now, leave, Male Puppet Lead; the success of this movie rests not so much on the completion of your unremarkable and boring journey but rather on the stunning special effects.

MALE PUPPET LEAD: But hasn't my stuffed-animal appearance already ruined it?

Have a Very Bay Christmas!

2007-12-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! You are now entitled to open your Christmas present - a Reduced Script for the godawful Transformers movie with more free packages of trashing goodness to come!

The Fanfiction.net version is here.

The PDF version is here.

Sample:

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his freaking luck, MEGAN, and MICHAEL BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY: Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?

He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!

INFERNO (V. O.): Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!

BARRICADE: RARRRR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) RARRRR!

BARRICADE: RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?

BARRICADE: WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!

BARRICADE: BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF MICHAEL BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?

BARRICADE: YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) LIKE THIS?

He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SHIA and pulling his PANTS.

FRENZY: Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace: The Reduced Script

2007-11-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

(Sorry for the lack of updates, but Junior year is truly probably the worst year in college.)

This movie is less impressive than the original trilogy and the third episode, but hey, at least it’s better than the second. And I did love this movie as a kid. Also, I began working on the script probably sometime before last year, but didn't finish it until a few weeks ago – consequence of not hating a movie passionately enough to write a satire about it (sigh).

Sample:

QUI-GON JINN: I don't care about the rumors as to how Anakin will jeopardize the fate of the galaxy and the fate of Star Wars franchise, just to contrast the later events and show what an awful Jedi master I am!

Meanwhile, in the GALATIC SENATE CHAMBER, EVERYBODY is doing exactly what PALPATINE wants them to do, because everyone, including QUI-GON, HATES the REPUBLIC.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS: Oops, we are dwelling too deep into the main series plot; let's get back to Naboo where things have little relevance to it and are living the prequels' legacy of being extravagant and worthless.

A Non-Update

2007-10-30T21:04:00.000-04:00

Due to my overestimating my ability to read philosophy, my schedule has been messed up and I must work extra-hard just to be barely up-to-date. Hence, no update this half of the month. Sorry, folks.

Fever Pitch: The Reduced Script

2007-10-14T16:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, you heard it right. I did see this movie. With my gang of friends who love crappy Romantic Comedies that feature nothing less than Red Sox fans' wet dream. I heard that this was great fan service to the Red Sox fans, even though, technically, it could have been ANY sport team.

Why did I state that I did see the movie, you ask? Well, you will know...

And I've been really busy too...

Also, the scripts for Stranger Than Fiction and Power Rangers are updated. And so is Connections page.

Stranger Than Fiction: The Reduced Script

2007-09-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

No, I still have no idea why Harold Crick was able to hear Karen Eiffel, because, apparently, the best way to work around an inexplicable gimmick is to never explain it.

Sample:

EMMA'S VOICE f*cks WILL up. It narrates his movements when he is working, talking to people, and ogling MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S TITS VIA TRIGONOMETRY. Sometimes, it narrates parallel to the events in WILL'S life; other times, it warps time and space, narrating as if WILL is doing three different things at three different places simultaneously, even though WILL listens to the narration in real-time.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN
I draw pleasure from giving Will idiotic instructions and berating him for following them.
(pause)
As a literary expert and a moron, I suggest you prevent your imminent death by altering your current set of behaviors, despite the glaring possibility that your efforts might also be part of the plot that triggers your death.

V for Vendetta: The Reduced Script

2007-09-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

To be quite honest, I liked this movie a lot, even though I disagree with the movie on a lot of things. I heard the original graphic novel was even more extreme, though. So I guess it would have been worse.

Also, I will now attempt to update on a biweekly basis. And finally, I will, from now on, include a sample of the script for every post announcing a script archive update.

Sample:

EXT. SEMI-ORWELLIAN SOCIETY, ZORRO-STYLE - SYMBOLIC DARKSTREET

A HUMAN WITH A COMICAL MASK is exacting vengeance on EVILAGENTS OF SURVEILLANCE, rescuing NATALIE PORTMAN in theprocess.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I'm confused; am I supposed to bereasonably afraid after witnessinghow you, like a complete nutcase,TOTALLY tore people up, or should Ijust make fun of your funny outfit?

HUGO WEAVING (OR HIS STUNT)
I sense great potential in yourabnormal personality, so observewhen I commit an act of terrorism.

He TOTALLY DOES.

...

As this site has been silent for so long...

2007-08-28T21:09:00.000-04:00

...I'm going to make some minor modifications that have little to do with improving the situation. For one, the Connections page has been updated, to include more links that I like. Also, the Contact page and the ReadMe page are also changed, to an extent similar to adding a punctuation (yes, this sentence IS left open for interpretation. Hehe.). Finally, I made some changes to posted scripts, i.e. Gone with the Wind: The Reduced Script, RV: The Reduced Script, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith: The Reduced Script and Troy: The Reduced Script, mostly to correct grammar and awkward sentences and such.

Edit: I added the phrase "The Reduced Script" after the movies' titles, to avoid any confusion caused by this post.

The 78th Academy Awards Ceremony: The Reduced Script

2007-08-28T20:36:00.000-04:00

Jon wasted three and half hours of my life. Although, admittedly, every Academy Awards Ceremony to some degree wastes three and half hours of the viewer's life.

New Script!

2007-06-08T15:12:00.000-04:00

The Non-FF.net-Friendly Alexander Script is now available. Phew!

Alexander the Whiny

2007-06-06T08:58:00.000-04:00

Alexander - The Director's Cut: The Reduced Script is now out on FanFiction.net. The non-FanFiction.net friendly version will be available shortly. And I don't plan to give up blogging, I really don't, but this summer is far busier than ever before.

Renaming Completed!

2007-04-22T17:51:00.000-04:00

All existing scripts (in whatever form) have been renamed "The Reduced Script". Phew.

Minor ReadMe Page Update

2007-04-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

Like what the title says. I will post the new versions of the scripts later, before I have to work on my house' booth for Spring Carnival 24/7.

New Name for Parodies: The Reduced Scripts

2007-03-23T00:54:00.000-04:00

I hate it when things don't make sense to me. Hence, I'm always upset when I read the phrase "abridged parody". What the hell does that mean, anyway? Oh well. Anyway, the names are changed, and will be applied to posted scripts...when I have time. Which I don't right now.

Troy: The Abridged Screenplay

2007-01-28T20:38:00.000-05:00

Also posted on Fanfiction.net. I watched the movie over winter break, and surprisingly it was even more painful than Oliver Stone's ALEXANDER.

Power Ranger Power!

2006-12-15T23:14:00.000-05:00

Power Ranger: The Complete Episode Guide I was totally enthralled by Power Rangers...then I remained friendly with it...until my baby sister, a big fan of this show, started harrassing me about getting that freakin' green fluke. Oh yeah, I have a blog now, and it's here.

New IE Glitch Fixed (Adapted To)

2006-12-13T00:11:00.000-05:00

As a devout firefox user, after a long delay I have finally become aware of the fact that the stupid IE7 is unable to properly link to the contents of this website via sidebar. No matter; it's "fixed" now after I've altered the codes of the sidebar to fit into the stupidity of Microsoft. By all laws of coding the difficulty shouldn't have happened.

Finally

2006-12-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

Harry Potter and the CoS: The Abridged Parody Script is out!!!! It took me almost foreve to do this.

Connections: UPDATED

2006-11-27T19:10:00.000-05:00

To further excuse myself for not adding scripts, I've added some other links that are worth checking out, most of them have nothing to do with movies. I'm sensing a disturbing tendency here.

I've also posted my first share of Harry Potter parodies on Fanfiction.net, which is embarrassingly full of fourth grader errors. I shall upload an updated version soon.

RV: THE ABRIDGED PARODY

2006-11-17T23:16:00.000-05:00

This basically unmemorable flick is based on the fragment of the twisted notion of a normal family of the deranged director Barry Sonnenfeld.

Contact Page: UPDATED!

2006-11-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

I have also posted the script for SWIII on Movieweb forum. The update in Contact is to clarify that I won't be reading the replies to the post until maybe Thanksgiving. No, maybe until winter break. I don't know, but one thing that's for sure: if you want to contact me, posting replies is probably not such a good idea.

Historical Posts

2006-10-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

Since I love this blog so much, I'm going to repost all the announcements I posted on the original update page. So here goes:

Originally posted on June 11, 2006,

Thanks to my summer internship no new scripts are posted, but I've made some corrections (formatting, word-choices, grammatical mistakes, etc.) in the scripts as well as the site in general.

Originally posted on May 30, 2006,

Script for WALK THE LINE. It was written a long time ago, but now it is finally formatted. I really don't see why the critics love this movie so much. Further work on this site needs to be done.

Originally posted on May 23, 2006

Launch date. I have been piling up scripts that I wrote for personal entertainment for ages, just so you know I didn't write all those scripts in a split second. Thanks for coming and please browse around.

Brokeback Mountain Entry: An okay movie that screams for serious attention.

Star Wars Episode III: Gosh, I spent 36 hours on the script!!!!

Gone With The Wind: I've been hating this movie for a long time. Finally have the means to attack it.

Overboard: I would have never watched this movie had I not been forced to, but my aunt was being really determined. This movie sucks like hell, by the way.

Makeover ...DONE!

2006-10-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

Finally the revolution is over! I can now sit back and relax and be proud of myself, while you can also sit back and relax for another three months devoid of annoying updates.

Plea

2006-10-27T21:26:00.000-04:00

Please use Mozilla Firefox as your web browser when you view the contents of this website! I admit – and it certainly took me some time – Celtx the script formatter (the only script program available to me) was indeed designed for and only for this browser. I tried, but there is no other way to view the scripts it exported in the proper format. You could follow the link to this browser’s website on my Connections page. Thanks.

MAJOR CLEANUP AND MAKEOVER

2006-10-27T21:22:00.000-04:00

As you've probably noticed, some major changes to this site (including the appearance one, but I'm not going to specify here) are undertaken. After enduring a meaningless existence (literally) the MUSING page is taken down and its potential documents will now be posted under the ARCHIVE page. I got great plans for this website, but now I guess I will just have to stick to the basics. Also, the terminology things are now only available on the ReadMe page, because it is absurd to copy the same piece of material to another place within the same website when I could use links. I’m also trying to simplify the process of updating this site to induce myself to update it. A summary of such attempts goes as follows:

• Terminologies (not that you really want to read) are taken from the ARCHIVE page.
• MUSING page, non-existent as it has always been, does not exist in the TANGIBLE way anymore.
• BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN scripts entry project is DROPPED.
• Crappy ARCHIVE charts have undergone some simplification, as you can see, and please note that only the date of the parody script being added will be recorded on the ARCHIVE page (which means dates of additional revisions of the existing entry will not be shown).
• THE ESSENTIAL SCRIPTS are now called THE ABRIDGED PARODIES!!!! (I don’t what the hell that phrase means, but anyway…)

Reborn (part II)

2006-10-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, and sorry for the long absence. I wasn't available because...actually, for no reason at all. I would have said I vanished because my evil professors were forcing me to work my ass off and such, but that would be a damn lie because during my absence I also beat three PC games and finished dozens of parody scripts. I have more incentive to beat games and just write scripts, I think. Or it could also be due to the fact that I lost my jump drive, which contained the sole existing copy of all this website's UPDATED and soon-would-be UPDATED html files. Yeah, you can consider this a miracle, because this site still exists after such a disheartening catastrophe. The person who took my jump drive ... if you are actually reading this ... DON'T MOVE AND STAY WHERE YOU ARE. YOU ARE FOUND. YOU CANNOT HIDE. CAMPUS POLICE IS ON ITS WAY. FURTHER ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE WILL RESULT IN A CHANGE IN THE NUMBER OF YOUR STILL-ATTACHED BODY PARTS. YOU ARE DOOMED, DAMMIT.

REBORN

2006-10-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

As you can see, I've re-activated this blog to exploit it as my Angelfire parody-script-database update history page. I also changed its look to make it more like part of the database. I figured if update history page was going to look like a blog, then I might as well use a real one.

Launch Day and Depressing Legal Stuff

2006-03-08T19:15:00.000-05:00

This is a place where I will post parody version of movie screenplays (disguised by the name "essential scripts") written by me. I am too lazy and too busy (okay, fine, I'm lying) to run a real website, so I figure a simple blog will just do the trick. Most of the posts here will be scripts instead of my personal musing, since I am not too big on egoism.

And, as always, disclaimer: I will not, nor expect to, make money out of writing parody screenplays. I do not intend to show disrespect towards any movie. I do not rigidly follow movie screenplay format, since my goal is not to practice writing movie screenplays. Feel free to distribute this version of movie scripts as long as the content remains intact.

Finally, your input is always greatly appreciated. So please send me any comments you might have in mind. Thanks.