Monday, January 12, 2009
Enchanted: The Reduced Script
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - real world
AMY arrives, only to be bullied and pushed around. Eventually, she stumbles upon PATRICK DEMPSEY and HIS DAUGHTER.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently, with heavy emphasis on MAGIC) Patrick, please help me and find my TRUE LOVE, a PRINCE, and he will come RESCUE me from this unsavory raw theater.
PATRiCK DEMPSEY: No problem. I've played nothing but cynical douches who help distressed damsels unconditionally. For the record, though, I don't believe in fairytales.
PRINCESS AMY ADAMS: (innocently) Oh, really? That's so SAD. What ELSE is this movie if an inefficient employee like YOU live in such an EXPENSIVE APARTMENT?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Also, the Connections Page has been updated with some websites useful for movie education.
Labels: General Updates
The Dark Crystal: The Reduced Script
The PDF version is here.
P.s. I'm all for preserving your childhood memories, so if you hold this movie deep in your heart and don't want to know how horrible it could be for a grown-up, I suggest you turn away. NOW.
FRIENDLY BIRD-LIKE LIZARD: Listen, according to this random prophecy, you must heal The Dark Crystal and save our world. In order to do so, you must 1. Find a female version of Yoda and get this Significant Item from her; 2. Not ask any of my wise colleagues for directions; 3. Experience the artificial beauty of the world of The Dark Crystal; 4. Encounter extraordinarily cutesy beings specifically created and designed for this movie. On your way, you will enjoy the beautiful scenery and the mysterious magical atmosphere. That is pretty much the essence of your otherwise trivial mission. Consult A TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE WORLD OF THE DARK CRYSTAL for your traveling pleasure. Now, leave, Male Puppet Lead; the success of this movie rests not so much on the completion of your unremarkable and boring journey but rather on the stunning special effects.
MALE PUPPET LEAD: But hasn't my stuffed-animal appearance already ruined it?
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Have a Very Bay Christmas!
The Fanfiction.net version is here.
The PDF version is here.
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his freaking luck, MEGAN, and MICHAEL BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY: Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?
He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!
INFERNO (V. O.): Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) RARRRR!
BARRICADE: RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?
BARRICADE: WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!
BARRICADE: BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF MICHAEL BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?
BARRICADE: YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) LIKE THIS?
He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SHIA and pulling his PANTS.
FRENZY: Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace: The Reduced Script
This movie is less impressive than the original trilogy and the third episode, but hey, at least it’s better than the second. And I did love this movie as a kid. Also, I began working on the script probably sometime before last year, but didn't finish it until a few weeks ago – consequence of not hating a movie passionately enough to write a satire about it (sigh).
QUI-GON JINN: I don't care about the rumors as to how Anakin will jeopardize the fate of the galaxy and the fate of Star Wars franchise, just to contrast the later events and show what an awful Jedi master I am!
Meanwhile, in the GALATIC SENATE CHAMBER, EVERYBODY is doing exactly what PALPATINE wants them to do, because everyone, including QUI-GON, HATES the REPUBLIC.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS: Oops, we are dwelling too deep into the main series plot; let's get back to Naboo where things have little relevance to it and are living the prequels' legacy of being extravagant and worthless.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Fever Pitch: The Reduced Script
Why did I state that I did see the movie, you ask? Well, you will know...
And I've been really busy too...
Also, the scripts for Stranger Than Fiction and Power Rangers are updated. And so is Connections page.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Stranger Than Fiction: The Reduced Script
EMMA'S VOICE f*cks WILL up. It narrates his movements when he is working, talking to people, and ogling MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S TITS VIA TRIGONOMETRY. Sometimes, it narrates parallel to the events in WILL'S life; other times, it warps time and space, narrating as if WILL is doing three different things at three different places simultaneously, even though WILL listens to the narration in real-time.
I draw pleasure from giving Will idiotic instructions and berating him for following them.
As a literary expert and a moron, I suggest you prevent your imminent death by altering your current set of behaviors, despite the glaring possibility that your efforts might also be part of the plot that triggers your death.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
V for Vendetta: The Reduced Script
Also, I will now attempt to update on a biweekly basis. And finally, I will, from now on, include a sample of the script for every post announcing a script archive update.
EXT. SEMI-ORWELLIAN SOCIETY, ZORRO-STYLE - SYMBOLIC DARKSTREET
A HUMAN WITH A COMICAL MASK is exacting vengeance on EVILAGENTS OF SURVEILLANCE, rescuing NATALIE PORTMAN in theprocess.
I'm confused; am I supposed to bereasonably afraid after witnessinghow you, like a complete nutcase,TOTALLY tore people up, or should Ijust make fun of your funny outfit?
HUGO WEAVING (OR HIS STUNT)
I sense great potential in yourabnormal personality, so observewhen I commit an act of terrorism.
He TOTALLY DOES.